Stairway to Stardom!

Queens, New York. The early 1980's. Local cable-access "talent" showcase. I've been obsessed with these for years, and now I hope to share them with you all.
Enjoy. Hairdresser! Lyrical genius from a woman dressed in a garbage bag. Watch how tired she gets halfway through!



Precious Taft. PRECIOUS. TAFT. That's her NAME, ladies and gentleman. Precious fucking Taft. Ouch, that's gotta hurt. I have no idea what this monologue (set to tinkly Soap-opera piano music) is about. "And sometimes he was cinnamon.."? Huh? What the hell does that mean? Is he a cookie? A pie? She's trying SOOO hard to cry. I was half convinced she was gonna take a dump on camera. And the dude at the end?!?! HILARIOUS!



Ah....FAME!...as performed by what appears to be The Hunchback of the Queensboro Bridge. Jeez. Straighten your back, girl! Um, and none of this is really dancing...it's just sorta walking around, and shuffling, and doing the same 'non-move moves' over and over again. Like her two-footed variation on the pirrouette? Nice. Amazingly, she's has no formal dance training. I'm stunned.



Fuck, I HATE these bitches. Look how self-satisfied they are. I bet they tortured their families with this routine at every goddamn bar-mitzvah, bris and family-gathering for years. I can see it now....It's Shoshi's wedding "No! Don't invite Aunt Linda, she'll do that stupid Food song!"
I'm sure everyone laughed the first time. Out of politeness....but please, this is the kind of "act" that happens at a party, when they tell all the guests to "Gather 'round!" and you're corralled into watching an irony-free wankfest of delusional idiocy. When things like this happen at parties, I take it as my cue to leave immediately or get inebriated as fast and hard as humanly possible.